Peace In Our Time
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: When a race of superbeings arrives on Earth to preach peace and understanding, most of the Justice League is supportive, except Batman, who suspects there is more to the alien visitors than meets the eye. Things intensify when Batman goes missing, and Superman is forced to team up with Batman's greatest nemesis, the Joker, in order to find him.
1. Chapter 1

**Peace In Our Time**

Batman was staring off into space, literally. The Justice League were meeting, as they regularly did, on the Watchtower, a satellite in outer space funded by the Wayne Corporation where the league met to supervise the earth, and everyone in it.

Batman had often regretted funding a space station – he had forgotten in the excitement of the moment that leaving the earth meant several uncomfortable hours in zero gravity training for him, as a human being. While the rest of the members were aliens or otherwise superpowered, Batman was bound by the limits of his mere mortal frame, a fact that he only resented when surrounded by superior beings.

Because as mortals went, there was nothing mere about Batman. He was in peak physical and intellectual condition, a force to be reckoned with both in a fight and analyzing a crime scene. A genuine Super Man, not like the so-called Superman who was speaking now, he thought, glaring at Clark Kent. The guy should be called Super Alien, if he was even exceptional for an alien. If Krypton hadn't been destroyed, there would probably be tons of aliens just like him wandering around…

"You listening, Bruce?" asked Superman, suddenly.

"Uh…sure, Clark," said Batman.

"Then what did I just say?" he asked.

"Erm…a never-ending battle for truth, justice, and the American way?" suggested Batman.

Superman glared at him. "No," he snapped. "We were actually discussing the situation in Gotham, and how that's progressing in terms of reducing crime."

"I'm handling Gotham," retorted Batman, firmly. "So there's no need to discuss it."

"We're a league, Bruce," said Wonder Woman, gently. "Which means we can help each other out if we need it…"

"I don't need it," snapped Batman.

"Then can you explain why Gotham City still remains a persistent problem in our efforts to tackle crime?" asked Superman.

"I have a huge roster of…varied and persistent enemies," retorted Batman.

"Which means you could use some help," suggested Superman.

"No!" snapped Batman, firmly. "Only I can handle it! Only I know their methods and the way their minds work! If any of you went up against the Joker, for example, you wouldn't last five seconds!"

"I'm sure he can't be that hard to handle," retorted Superman. "He's only a man, after all."

He said this pointedly, and Batman noticed. Yes, the Joker was only a man, just like he was. And Superman was this superior alien, so much better than both of them. Batman was about to open his mouth to respond caustically when a beeping suddenly came from the computer.

"That's an incoming communication," said Superman, puzzled. "From space."

He pressed a button, and an image popped onto the screen in front of them. It was the image of a giant head, transparent and shimmering. "Greetings, Justice League," it said, in a calm, patient voice. "I am Pacis One, leader of the Pacis Prime Collective. We are superior beings who have evolved into pure energy, and are now one with the flow of the galaxy. We have been watching your world for some time, and have decided that now is the time for peace on earth."

Batman snorted, but he was the only one. Superman and the others respectfully listened to what this alien had to say, and Batman had no choice but to do the same.

"Of course that's the ideal we all strive for, Pacis One," said Superman, nodding. "But it's an incredibly difficult thing to implement…"

"For you, maybe," said Pacis One, nodding. "But for superior beings of pure energy, nothing could be simpler. We will be as gods to these people, and what human would not bow to the power of a god?"

"I'm sure lots of humans see super-powered aliens as gods," spoke up Batman. "But I certainly don't bow to them."

Pacis One looked at Batman, and smiled. "You are a representative of the human race?" he asked, lightly.

"That's right," said Batman, coldly. "And I'm a man who's been fighting for peace for a long time. If you think you can just appear and mandate it and people are going to listen to you, you must be the most naïve race of superbeings in the universe."

"Batman, there's no need to be rude," snapped Superman.

"Sad," sighed Pacis One. "So cynical about your own race! You do not believe that humanity is capable of peace, Batman?"

"I believe that it is, after great struggle," said Batman, nodding. "But I don't believe you can just appear as superbeings, snap your fingers, and expect all of the world's problems and conflicts to just disappear."

Pacis One smiled. "Then perhaps you'd had better prepare to see and believe, Batman."

The screen flicked off. "All right, what's our plan of attack?" demanded Batman, turning to his fellow members.

"Attack?" repeated Superman. "Why would we attack them? They haven't done anything wrong."

"Oh, come on, Clark!" snapped Batman. "Why the hell would they care about peace on earth?! They're obviously using this whole peace nonsense as a ruse to trick us, probably so they can attack us when we're defenseless and vulnerable."

"Or they could actually be superior beings concerned with galactic peace," said Wonder Woman, gently. "I think if you look at our world objectively, it is pretty sad that we fight and squabble among ourselves, wasting human life and all its potential."

"You think I don't appreciate the tragedy of that, Diana?" demanded Batman. "But if humanity is ever going to progress, it has to be through our efforts alone, and not because some omnipotent being has told us to behave, like a parent to a bunch of misbehaving children!"

The computer beeped again, and this time it was a communication from earth. "Hang on – our dear president is calling," muttered Superman, as an image of Lex Luthor popped onto the screen.

"What have you alien freaks done now?!" he demanded, angrily. "And why aren't you here to clean up the mess you've made?!"

"We haven't done anything, Luthor – what's the problem?" asked Superman.

"See for yourself!" roared Luthor, gesturing onto the White House lawn, where a giant shimmering head floated. "It's on all the TV channels, and it's been sighted in Gotham and Metropolis and all over the country, plus Europe and Asia and everywhere else in the goddamn world, and it just keeps talking! What do I need to do to kill it?! Can I nuke it?!"

"When it's in every densely populated city on the planet?" repeated Superman. "No, Mr. President, I don't think that's a good plan. And anyway, it's a being of pure energy. Traditional weapons aren't going to have any effect on it. What's it saying?"

"A lotta crap about world peace," growled Luthor. "As if some alien nutjob can just come down to my planet and start preaching to me about peace! I'm the President of the United States of America, and no alien weirdo is gonna tell me not to start a war if I need to!"

"Pacis One has already spoken with us," said Superman. "Its intentions don't seem to be malicious, but obviously we'll keep an eye on the situation. Don't worry, Mr. President – we'll handle this if it starts getting out of hand."

"Out of hand?!" roared Luthor. "Once intergalactic beings start ordering humanity around, I'd say things are already out of hand! But then I forgot who I was talking to," he sneered. "Mr. Moral Authority Alien himself. They're probably friends of yours from Krypton. Well, you tell them that if they want a war, they've got one. Humanity doesn't surrender without a fight."

"But they don't want a war," said Superman, gently. "And they don't want surrender. They just want peace."

"Peace is surrender," growled Luthor. "It's surrendering your right to fight for the things you believe in. In my case, the right to wage war if necessary, especially against a buncha pushy aliens. You tell your little friends that."

"You can tell us that yourself, Mr. Luthor," said a voice. Luthor whirled around to see the head smiling at him. "We have no wish to subjugate humanity – we merely wish you seek enlightenment, as we have. And the first step toward enlightenment and unity with the universe is peace. All races, peoples, and nationalities living together in harmony. What could be more glorious?"

"It's Mr. President to you," growled Luthor.

"Mr. President," repeated Pacis One, nodding. "Elected by the people of the United States of America, and bound by them to serve their will. Shall we ask the people what they want?"

Shouts of "Peace! Peace! Peace!" began to fill the streets. Luthor's murderous glare turned slowly from Pacis One to Superman, and then he clicked off the screen.

Batman sighed. "I know some other people who aren't going to like this," he muttered.


	2. Chapter 2

"_Giant Head Mandates World Peace_ – what a joke!" chuckled the Joker, reading the newspaper and sipping his morning coffee in his bathrobe. Harley Quinn padded around the kitchen in her bathrobe, keeping an eye on the pop-tarts in the toaster while dumping two slabs of raw meat into their pet hyenas' bowls. She poured a packet of donated blood clearly stolen from a blood bank onto the meat as Bud and Lou whined, looking up at her. Then she put the bowls on the ground, where the two hyenas instantly fell on them, wagging their tails happily.

"Aw, crap!" Harley cried, as the toaster suddenly began smoking. She grabbed a fork and began jiggling it around the toaster, trying to pry the pop-tarts out, which she eventually did, black and burned.

"Uh…cereal ok with you, puddin'?" she asked, throwing the pop-tarts into the trash.

"Fine, fine, whatever," he said, ignoring her as he continued to read. "I never thought alien life could be as crazy as humans, Harl. Peace, honestly! Don't they understand that means completely getting rid of free will, independent thinking, and slapstick humor? Probably means getting rid of all humor, really – what's a joke without somebody to be the punchline to it, am I right?"

"You're always right, puddin'," purred Harley, putting a bowl of cereal down in front of him, kissing his forehead, and then sitting down next to him.

"What happened to the pop-tarts?" he asked, looking up from the paper.

"Uh…I burned them," she said.

"How can you burn pop-tarts in a toaster?!" he demanded. "It's virtually impossible! And obviously something only you could be stupid enough to do, you dumb blonde!"

"Aw, now puddin', don't be sore," she said, standing up to embrace him again and kiss his forehead. "I put some marshmallows in your cereal to make it extra fun! You love marshmallows and chocolate milk!"

"I wanted my pop-tarts, Harley!" he growled. "They had melted chocolate and marshmallows inside them, all topped with a chocolate frosting glaze! That's more sugar per square inch than this cereal could ever hope to be! And how is my genius supposed to function without my daily sugar intake?! I need it to cater to the busy demands of my active lifestyle!"

"I'm sorry, puddin'…" began Harley.

"Never mind," he growled, grabbing the sugar bowl and heaping spoonful after spoonful onto his cereal. "I'll just have to clean up your mess for you, as usual. Honestly, Harley, why do I even keep you around if you can't do anything right?!"

"Because…you love me?" she said, hopefully.

He snorted. "Why would I love an incompetent, useless, idiotic waste of space like you?"

"Don't ask me," she replied, shrugging. "You picked me."

"I didn't pick you – you just cling on to me!" he snapped.

"Oh right, so when you first saw me in Arkham and winked at me, and then gave me flowers, and then started sweet-talking me, and then kissed me, and then did me on the therapy couch, that was all just me being clingy, huh?" she said, folding her arms across her chest. "Or would it be pretty fair to say that you picked me?"

"I didn't know how stupid and useless you were back then!" he snapped. "I've learned since, and familiarity breeds contempt! Anyway, you weren't such a spoiled brat back then. You used to listen to me. Now it's all yammer, yammer, yammer, look at me, Mr. J! Me, me, me, Harley Quinn, all the time! You're a selfish little brat!"

"Of the two of us, I ain't the one who's selfish!" she snapped. "And if you think that, you can just make your own pop-tarts in future, Mr. J!"

"At least I might actually get to eat them!" he shouted.

"Screw you, jerk!" shrieked Harley, slapping him across the face. Joker stood up suddenly, grabbing the cereal bowl and throwing it at her head. She ducked, and it smashed against the wall. He punched her hard in the jaw and Harley fell back, winded. As he approached her, she kicked him in the stomach, knocking him into the table. Bud and Lou began barking and whining.

"Y'know…we really shouldn't fight in front of the kids," said Joker, straightening up and grinning. "It'll mess them all up."

"Not if I mess you up first!" shrieked Harley, breaking off a table leg and rushing at him. He grabbed it before she could bring it down, struggling to pull it away from her. He succeeded at last and kicked her into the wall. She struggled for breath as he approached her, beating the table leg into his hand.

"I'm gonna do to you what I did to Robin back in '89," he growled, holding up the leg. Harley shot her foot out and tripped him, and he fell forward on top of her, his face smashing into hers. They both cried out in pain, and Joker slowly raised himself up to stare down into her bleeding, furious face.

And then he kissed her passionately. Harley moaned in pleasure, sliding her legs up around him and pulling him tightly down against her. He drew away suddenly. "This isn't what I did to Robin in '89," he muttered. "Just to confirm."

"I know, puddin'," she purred, pulling him back down. Bud and Lou watched them making out for a moment, shared a look which said they would never understand human interaction, and then returned to their meals.

They started barking and panicking again suddenly when a hole blew through the wall, and a dark figure stood in the smoke-filled outline.

Joker chuckled. "Ain't it always the way? You get in the mood and Bat-company shows up!" he said, looking up. His smile fell, however, when he saw that it wasn't Batman standing there. "What the hell?" he murmured, as a tall, metallic figure entered the room.

It was followed by another identical metallic figure, clearly robots, who spoke to each other in a flat, monotone voice. "Reached location of disturbance. Can see signs of violence that triggered alarm."

"Alarm?" repeated Joker. "What the hell are you talking about? This place ain't alarmed."

The robot didn't respond, but focused its attention on him. "Control, have located Clown 1 and Clown 2," it said. "Subduing now."

"Clown 1 and Clown 2?" repeated Joker. "What is this, a Dr. Seuss book? Hey, keep your metallic hands to yourself, grabby!" he snapped, as the robot lunged toward him. The other seized Harley, dragging her to her feet and clamping her arms behind her back.

"Hey, what gives?" she demanded, struggling futilely against the metal restraints. "Mr. J! Help!"

"Clown 2 subdued – catch Clown 1," said the robot holding Harley. The other robot moved toward the Joker again.

Bud and Lou raced forward at that moment, pouncing on a robot each. They bit and scratched at them, and though the robots were initially taken aback, they each reached out a metal arm, and a bolt of electricity shot through it into Bud and Lou. They whimpered and then fell to the ground.

"Babies!" shrieked Harley in agony as she saw them twitching from the electric shock.

"Animals subdued – catch Clown 1," repeated the robot.

Joker looked from Bud and Lou to Harley, and then to the robot. And then he turned and ran, out of the hideout and into the streets of Gotham. The robot followed, speeding quickly after him and gaining. Joker looked around for someplace to hide, or someplace where a robot would be vulnerable.

"Bingo!" he exclaimed, passing a gym. He kicked the door in, racing inside past startled patrons. The robot followed, looking around carefully for the Joker amid the panic.

"Yoo hoo! Tin can! Over here!" called the Joker, smiling and waving at it. The robot followed him into another room. It began scanning for the Joker again when he snuck up behind it and kicked it forward, into the swimming pool. The robot immediately began to writhe and short circuit as Joker laughed, and the people inside the pool screamed as they were electrocuted.

"Shocking behavior!" he chuckled. "Just shocking! Aw, I kill myself sometimes!" he giggled, leaving the smoking robot floating in the water, along with several dead bodies.

He left the gym, looking carefully around in case of more robots. "Where the hell did those things come from?" he muttered. "They're too advanced for the police, and Bats sure didn't send 'em…ah!" he shouted, as black figure dropped down in front of him suddenly. "Speak of the devil and he shall appear!" Joker chuckled. "How ya doing, Batmanator? Wanna hear a joke? A couple of robots just tried to grab Harley and me. Called us Clown 1 and Clown 2, as if we were a couple of supporting characters in somebody else's play! You mind telling me what the hell is going on? First we got alien heads talking about peace, and now robots – it's like I'm in some kinda Twilight Zone episode!"

Batman didn't respond, but suddenly removed his mask to reveal Superman's face. "Joker. We need to talk," Superman said, firmly.

Joker stared at him. "And now Batsy is Superman," he murmured. "Yep, I've either entered the Twilight Zone or I've lost my mind. And considering that happened a long time ago, I can only assume it's the former. Where's Rod Serling with his 'Submitted for your approval' monologue?" he asked, looking around.

"This isn't a joke," said Superman, sternly. "We need to talk."

"Why?" demanded Joker. "What can a superlamewad in tights possibly want with a guy like me?"

"Batman is missing," snapped Superman.

Joker stared at him. "Say what?" he murmured.

"Batman is missing," repeated Superman. "And now that I've got your attention, let's talk," he said, grabbing him by the collar and soaring off into the sky.


	3. Chapter 3

"You know, you really could be a little more gentle," said Joker, massaging his throat as he and Superman stood on the roof of a skyscraper. "I'm not saying I don't like it rough – Bats knows I do. But I don't let just anyone treat me like he does, y'know – wouldn't want him getting jealous…"

"Do you know where he is?" interrupted Superman. "This isn't some plan of yours to kidnap him, is it?"

"Did I leave you a bunch of clown-related hints in order to find him?" demanded Joker. Superman shook his head. "Then no, it ain't me," he retorted. "If I was gonna kidnap Bats, I'd do it with some style and flair. I'd have sent you superpowered freaks on a Bat Hunt – I'd announce it on TV, with a countdown sequence to the time Bats would be executed on live TV, broadcast in front of a studio audience. It would have been a reality show that had everything! Suspense! Graphic violence! And an incredibly charming and funny host! But if Bats has gone missing without a trace, it ain't me. That ain't my style. And it certainly ain't any of the other losers' style. They could no more keep kidnapping Bats a secret than they could keep themselves outta Arkham. Why are you impersonating him, anyway? You can't just move in on his turf like that because he disappeared! Is there no honor among heroes?"

"I'm impersonating him so nobody notices he's missing," snapped Superman. "Can you imagine how crime would run rampant if word got out that Batman was absent? So I have to handle his job for him, without revealing my true identity. It's really difficult. I have to constantly worry about controlling my strength – I don't normally go hand-to-hand. And I don't know how he gets places without flying."

"Oh yeah, talk about your handicaps," said Joker sarcastically, nodding. "Where would any of us be without the power of flight?"

Superman glared at him. "If you don't know where Batman is, you're of no further use to me," he snapped. "So I'll just be taking you back to Arkham now…"

"Hey, hey, hey, no need to overreact!" snapped Joker, shoving his hand off him. "I don't know where Bats is, but who's to say I couldn't be useful in helping you find him? I'd certainly like to give it a shot."

Superman stared at him. "Why?" he asked.

"Why?" repeated Joker. "You stupid or something? If Bats is gone for good, that means you take over his job full-time! And no offense, but that would be the worst thing that could ever happen. You just don't fit in with the décor in Gotham, Supey. I mean, blue spandex, red cape? You're gonna stick out like a sore thumb. Plus that costume don't exactly strike fear into the hearts of criminals, y'know."

"Objectively I'd probably do a better job than Batman has," retorted Superman. "My super powers mean I could actually catch all the criminals loose in this city."

"Yeah, there's that catastrophe to consider too," said Joker, nodding. "I mean, I'd keep up the game, but a lot of the other losers would probably throw in the towel if they had to fight a superpowered foe. Buncha lamewads. Anyway, I ain't letting robots and aliens take over my city, and I know that's not what Bats wants either. So it's in our mutual interest to find him and put things back to the way they were."

Superman nodded slowly. "I guess you know Batman better than anyone else."

"I sure do!" said Joker, cheerfully. "He and I are just like that! But not in a funny way. Not like the kinda stuff people say about you and Bats, for instance, which I don't believe, by the way. He hates your guts."

"He what?" said Superman.

"Plus if he ever decided to bat for the other team, he could do a lot better than you," continued Joker. "Me, for example. I'd be flattered, really, and if the situation ever arose, I'm honestly not sure how I'd respond. I'm straight and all, but I might do it anyway, just to say I have…"

"Please stop talking," interrupted Superman, hastily. "Or I am taking you back to Arkham."

"Oooh, somebody's jealous!" chuckled Joker. "Wait until I tell Bats you've got a thing for him – he's gonna be so uncomfortable!"

"I have a girlfriend," snapped Superman.

"Well, so do I, but people do talk, y'know!" giggled Joker. "I think they see what they wanna see, buncha sick freaks. And people call me crazy! Anyway, if we wanna find Bats, we'd better start using his methods, and the first thing he always does is get all the facts. Well, the first thing he actually does is beat the crap outta someone, but we'll skip that bit. So why doncha tell me when Bats disappeared?"

"Well, Batman was against this Pacis Prime Collective from the moment they appeared…" began Superman.

"He's got a good head on his shoulders," said Joker, nodding. "Never trust an alien. No offense, Supey."

"And as they kept sending more ambassadors to earth, Batman got more and more annoyed, especially when people in authority began listening to them. You heard about the gun bonfire in Metropolis, where all the citizens piled their firearms into the square and set fire to them?"

"Yeah. You remember how the Nazis used to burn books? That's kinda how I felt about that," said Joker, nodding. "Waste of all that violent potential. A crying shame."

"I don't approve of violence," said Superman.

"Well, I don't approve of guys who wear their underwear outside their tights. So I guess we're both disappointed," said Joker, nodding at him.

"Batman's final straw was the robots," continued Superman, ignoring him. "The Pacis Prime Collective assigned a regiment of them to every major city, to help with policing. The robots had alarms built into them that could sense acts of violence within a twenty mile radius. We all thought they were a great idea. Batman didn't. He stormed from the Watchtower in a fit of temper, saying he was going to find out what the aliens' game was and expose it. I think he wanted it to be a dramatic exit, but he had to wait for the anti-gravity to kick back in, so it actually took about half an hour. But he didn't stop sulking the whole time."

"That's Bats!" chuckled Joker.

"Anyway, that's the last we saw of him," replied Superman. "He didn't give us any further details of his plan, and he didn't show up at the next Justice League meeting."

"Maybe he just had enough of hanging around you jerks," said Joker.

"No – a source close to him informed us that he hadn't returned home after leaving the Batcave one night."

"And he's not answering the Bat-phone, huh?" said Joker, thoughtfully.

"I...don't know what that is," said Superman, slowly. "But all efforts to contact him have been in vain."

Joker nodded slowly. "Right. What do you know about these aliens? Do they have any kinda base on earth?"

"No, not that we're aware of," replied Superman. "They're made of pure energy – they don't need a base here…"

"Just because they don't need them doesn't mean they don't have 'em," retorted Joker. "I have a lotta stuff I don't need. Harley, for instance," he chuckled. "Speaking of which, what do the robots do with the people they…what's the word they used…subdued?"

"They take them to the police station," replied Superman. "And the police handle them. I imagine Harley will be returned to Arkham."

"And then where do the robots go after that? Back on the street? Or do they have a base?"

"I…don't know," said Superman, slowly.

Joker smiled, gesturing to the street below them. "Let's go find out, shall we? Although if you don't mind, I'm taking the stairs."


	4. Chapter 4

Harley opened her eyes to total darkness. She let out a groan of pain, feeling wet stone on her back, and sat up, to the clink of chains. "Harley?" whispered a familiar voice.

"Red?" said Harley, hopefully, recognizing the voice of Poison Ivy.

"How are you feeling, baby?" asked Ivy, heading over to her. Harley couldn't see her, but she could feel her hand on her forehead, despite the clink of a different chain.

"I'm…ok, I think," said Harley, still trying to see anything in the darkness. "Where are we?"

"We haven't been able to figure that out," replied Ivy. "Though Johnny thinks we've gotta be underground somewhere, judging by the dampness."

"Johnny? You're here too?" said Harley, trying to peer over and see Jonathan Crane. She couldn't.

"There's three of us now – you, me, and Johnny," said Ivy. "I guess that's all the robots have caught so far."

"You were both caught by the robots too?" asked Harley.

"Yeah. And we both woke up here," said Ivy. "No idea where here is, though."

"My educated guess is somewhere in the old subway tunnels," said Crane's familiar voice. "Wherever it is, it's certainly not Arkham."

"What do you think they're going to do with us?" asked Harley.

Crane was silent. "I don't know, my dear," he murmured. "But I can't imagine anything pleasant."

They heard a door squeak open, and then two robots entered the room. Their glowing form illuminated a struggling figure, which they dragged over to a wall and attached a chain to his arm. Harley could see that there were hundreds of chains scattered about, and several vents set in the floor. That was promising, she thought – if they somehow managed to get free of the chains, maybe they could crawl out through them.

"Control, have secured Two-Face in execution chamber," said one robot.

"Excellent. Return to base," said an unfamiliar voice.

"Affirmative," said the robots, heading for the door and leaving the room in pitch blackness again.

"Harvey? You ok?" whispered Ivy.

"Pammie? Where the hell are we?" said Two-Face's voice.

"That's what we're all trying to figure out," she replied.

"What did he mean…execution chamber?" asked Harley, quietly.

"It's not exactly vague, is it?" snapped Two-Face. "Obviously they're gonna kill us in here if we don't get the hell out!"

They heard Two-Face struggling against the chain. "It's no good, Mr. Dent – we've tried," snapped Crane. "They're unbreakable. I don't even think they're made of iron - it's probably some form of alien alloy. Fighting against it is useless."

"Well, excuse me for not just wanting to give up and surrender to my death!" retorted Two-Face.

"Hey, nobody's gonna die," said Harley, firmly. "And you wanna know why?"

"Why?" asked Ivy.

"Because Mr. J's still out there," said Harley. "And he wouldn't just leave us all here to rot, especially not me. He's gonna find us and save us, you'll see."

There was a moment of silence. "So has anyone got any actual useful plans?" demanded Two-Face.

"Hey, that _is _a useful plan!" snapped Harley. "Mr. J is gonna rescue us!"

"Where is J?" asked Ivy. "Wasn't he with you?"

"Oh yeah, but when the robots attacked, he ran off," said Harley. "Well, he couldn't do any good if he was taken prisoner with me, could he? He couldn't rescue us if he was chained up like the rest of us."

"Yes, I'm sure J started thinking up rescue plans the moment he left you," said Ivy, sarcastically.

"Yeah, I'm sure he did, Red," said Harley, sincerely. "He's pretty lost without me, y'know. He wouldn't just leave me here to die. And he wouldn't leave our friends either."

She drew her legs up to her chest. "You'll see," she repeated. "He'll save us."

Everyone was silent again. "I guess that's an option," growled Two-Face. "But are there any others?"

"Johnny's right – the chains are unbreakable," murmured Ivy. "I can't summon any plants this far underground. They can't hear me. Unless one of you brought a weapon in with you, we don't have any way to get outta here as far as I can see."

"Nah, those goddamn robots confiscated my guns," growled Two-Face. "Both of 'em. I still have my coin, but I don't think it's gonna cut through whatever kinda metal this is."

"Then much as I hate to admit it, Harley's plan seems like the most reasonable one," murmured Crane. "We have to wait to be rescued. Or wait to die. Whichever one comes first."

There was silence again, except for the drip of water on stone and the occasional rustle of the chains. Harley started shivering from the cold and damp, and Ivy's arms came around her, hugging her tightly. Harley returned the hug as she began crying softly.

"He'll save us," repeated Harley, trying to keep her voice from shaking as tears trailed down her cheeks. "You'll see. You'll see."


	5. Chapter 5

"Did we come back here just so you could get dressed?" demanded Superman, as the Joker emerged from his bedroom, dressed in his usual purple suit.

"Well, I wasn't gonna wander around Gotham in my bathrobe," he snapped. "I know you don't believe in dressing properly before going out, because spandex is never acceptable daywear, but some of us have standards."

"You didn't answer my question," retorted Superman.

"And you didn't even bother to learn Bats's methods before you started impersonating him," replied Joker. "You clearly ain't the world's greatest detective, because you would know that to find clues, you gotta return to the scene of the crime."

"Crime?" repeated Superman.

"Yeah, kidnapping's a crime here on earth, genius," said Joker, sarcastically.

"It's not kidnapping if you're a wanted felon," said Superman.

"Well, then why do you even wanna find Bats?" asked Joker. "If he's been kidnapped, it's gonna be for the same reasons. He goes around beating people up with no respect for due process. Assault is also a crime here on earth."

"I grew up on earth, you know," snapped Superman. "I'm very familiar with its laws and customs."

"That's clearly not true, or you wouldn't be some caped vigilante for justice," snapped Joker. "That's not generally how the law works on earth. You'd be…I dunno. A policeman, or a lawyer, or maybe even a newspaper reporter."

"I…don't think I'd necessarily be any of those things," said Superman, slowly. "Especially not that last one. If I have exceptional abilities, why wouldn't I use them to do exceptional things? As the last son of Krypton, I have a duty to be a role model for all of humanity who want to change the world for good, for truth and justice. I give the people of Earth an ideal to strive towards. They will race behind me, they will stumble, they will fall. But in time, they will join me in the sun. In time, I will help them accomplish wonders..."

"Yak, yak, yak, Jesus Christ, you're boring!" interrupted Joker. "God, do I miss Bats! At least he was the strong, silent type. I can see why he hates your guts."

"I don't think he hates my guts…" began Superman.

"Yeah, but you also think you're some sorta inspirational god-like figure for humanity," retorted Joker. "So if I were you, I wouldn't trust my own judgment. Here, make yourself useful and tell me what kinda crap your x-ray vision sees."

"What should I be seeing?" demanded Superman.

"I dunno – clues!" exclaimed Joker. "Bats is the World's Greatest Detective and he's human, for Christ's sake! You should be a super-detective by comparison!"

Superman sighed, bending down to study the area where the robots had grabbed Harley. He held up a short hair. "You have dogs?" he asked.

"Hyenas," said Joker, nodding. "The robots shocked them."

"Yes. And then dragged them off," said Superman, his eyes following the trail of small hairs. "Good thing they're shedding – they've left a pretty clear trail. The robots won't have taken the animals to the police station."

"Where would they have taken them?" asked Joker.

"Let's find out," said Superman. He held out his hand. "C'mon."

"No, thanks, pal – I'm walking," retorted Joker.

"Flying is much faster," said Superman.

"Well, I'll probably get airsick, and you wouldn't want me throwing up all over your nice, new cape, would you?" he asked.

"This isn't a request," snapped Superman.

"Oh, you talk big, tough guy!" snapped Joker. "You think you can take me?"

"Of course I can take you!" snapped Superman. "I'm Superman!"

"You put your money where your mouth is," said Joker, holding up his fists. "C'mon, Superfreak, gimme your best shot!"

Superman looked at him. Then he grabbed Joker around the waist, tossing him over his shoulder and flying off.

"Well, this is humiliating," muttered Joker. He began kicking Superman repeatedly in the stomach.

"Stop kicking me," snapped Superman.

"Why? It doesn't hurt you," he said.

"No, but it's annoying," replied Superman.

"Geez, I'd sure hate to annoy you," said Joker, sarcastically. "What are you gonna do, Superfreak? Burn me with your laser eyes?"

In response, Superman picked him up again and then dropped him into thin air. Just before Joker hit the ground, Superman dived underneath him and caught him. "Whee, that was fun!" giggled Joker. "Like a freefall ride! Again, Supey, again!"

"You weren't afraid you were gonna die?" demanded Superman.

"Nah," shrugged Joker. "You superhero types are all alike. You ain't got the guts to kill people. Bats learned a long time ago that dropping me off heights doesn't scare me, since I know he'll always be there to catch me," he sighed. "And it's so nice to know you feel the same way about me, Supes," he said, hugging him. "I'm really flattered, but spoken for. But it's good to know you care."

He started kicking at him again. "C'mon, let's do it again!" he giggled.

Superman sighed, trying to ignore him. It was going to be a long flight.


	6. Chapter 6

"Well, this isn't at all sinister," said Joker, as he and Superman landed outside a large, windowless steel bunker built into the ground.

"I can't see inside," muttered Superman. "It's lead-lined – my x-ray vision doesn't work."

"Then what's the point of you?" demanded Joker. "Now we're gonna have to place ourselves in danger by going inside, however we're gonna accomplish that."

As he spoke, a couple of robots approached the front of the bunker, and disappeared down a hatch which opened underneath them.

"Like that," replied Superman. He turned to Joker. "Now this is a stealth mission. When we get inside, we have to be extra quiet."

"Gee, thanks for teaching me what stealth means, Superman," said Joker, sarcastically. "You're my hero."

"I mean try not to draw attention to us by being yourself," retorted Superman. "Just stay quiet and follow my lead."

"_Heil, Übermensch!_" exclaimed Joker, giving him a Nazi salute. Superman sighed, creeping forward to the front of the bunker. When he reached the hatch, he used his superhuman strength to prise it open, and gestured for Joker to climb in, following right after him.

Inside was ablaze with cold, metallic light down the empty, steel corridors. Superman was trying to determine which route to take when he heard Joker fiddling with a grate in the wall.

"What are you doing?" he whispered.

"If it's a stealth mission, we gotta crawl through grates," whispered Joker. "It's like an unwritten rule."

"Don't be ridiculous…" began Superman, but they suddenly heard the whirring sound of approaching robots from around the corner.

"Coming, Supey?" whispered Joker, crawling inside the grate. Superman sighed and followed him into a system of vents.

"Do you have any idea where we're going?" hissed Superman as they crawled.

"Of course, because I've been to this secret robot base a lotta times before," retorted Joker, sarcastically. "I'm just making this up as I go, unless you've got a better plan."

"My x-ray vision still isn't working," growled Superman. "So no, I don't."

"See, this is the problem with having superpowers," muttered Joker. "They're a crutch. You get so dependent on them that if they somehow fail, you're completely helpless. You have to stop being addicted to that drug, Supey – it'll kill you one day…"

Superman suddenly clapped a hand over his mouth. They had reached a grate in the side of the tunnel that looked out onto a huge control room. On a giant screen was one of the talking heads, speaking to a robot.

"…completely unacceptable. I would have expected you to have tracked down most of Gotham's persistent criminals by now."

"Control, we have not been granted permission by the humans to patrol everywhere," explained the robot. "The Gotham City Police Department are wary of our services – we blame Commissioner Gordon and his reliance on the advice of the Batman."

"Fools," muttered the alien. "They must realize how fallible their human workers are."

"Nevertheless, we have a number of the undesirables imprisoned…"

"Not nearly enough," interrupted the alien. "How are we ever to accomplish the mass extermination of these violent undesirables if we cannot catch them? You had one job when you were sent to Earth – eliminate the imperfections. The people with homicidal tendencies, the incurably violent. There is no place for them in our future of global peace. The only way to ensure their imperfection does not spread is to destroy them, once and for all. The Justice League cannot understand this, but they are not as enlightened as we are. When a being has ascended to the highest plane, it is pure energy and reason. Compassion has no place in purely rational and enlightened thought – that is a primitive response which we have overcome. And these monsters are especially undeserving of compassion, who keep this planet trapped in constant war and strife. Peace can only be attained when human imperfections are erased. Permanently."

"That sounds kinda like Nazi talk to me," muttered Joker.

"Shut up!" hissed Superman, clapping his hand over his mouth again. "They'll hear you! Urgh!" he cried, ripping his hand away as Joker licked it.

"That'll teach you stop doing that…" began Joker, when all the robots in the room turned to face the vent at Superman's cry.

"Intruder alert!" they said in unison, as they raised their arms and began firing lasers towards the grate.

"Go, go, go!" shouted Superman, shoving Joker out of the way further down the vent as he tried to avoid the laser blasts.

"Sensors scan two…no, three carbon-based life forms in the ventilation system," said the robot's metallic voice as it continued to fire at the grate. "Check all possible areas and exterminate them."

"Three?" repeated Joker, turning to look at Superman. "Are they talking about your tapeworm or something?"

He chuckled, turning back around, and came face to face with Batman.

They stared at each other in surprise for a moment. "You?" began Batman. "What the hell are you doing here…with him?" he said, noticing Superman.

Joker chuckled. "Don't be jealous, Batsy – there's nothing funny going on! We came to find you, and now we have!"

Their conversation was interrupted by a flurry of laser bolts. "Keep moving down the vent!" shouted Superman.

"What the hell are you doing here, Superman?!" roared Batman over the impacting laser blasts. "And why did you bring the Joker of all people?!"

"We were concerned about you!" shouted Superman. "You just disappeared suddenly…"

"I was here on a stealth mission!" shouted Batman. "Any communication would have been intercepted by them!"

"A stealth mission you didn't tell the Justice League about?" demanded Superman.

"You weren't listening when I told you how dangerous these aliens are!" retorted Batman. "So I thought I'd take matters into my own hands! Anyway, I'm not obliged to report every action of mine to you!"

"Everyone thought you'd been kidnapped!" said Superman. "We were worried sick!"

"I can take care of myself!" snapped Batman.

"Ladies, please, let's not fight!" chuckled Joker. "Why don't you both just kiss and make up?"

"And what could possibly have possessed you to bring the clown?!" shouted Batman.

"Y'know, I have a name!" snapped Joker.

A laser blast suddenly blew up the tunnel ahead of them, causing it to collapse in on itself. "Great, now what?" demanded Joker. He was suddenly seized by Superman, who grabbed Batman with his other arm.

"Keep your heads down!" he said, preparing to fly into the debris.

…

"I spy, with my little eye, something that starts with D," said Two-Face.

"Darkness," replied Ivy.

"Right," he muttered. "How many times can we play this stupid game with the same answer?"

"Perhaps if we used a word similar to darkness, we could increase our vocabulary," suggested Crane. "Perhaps crepuscular, or caliginous, or tenebrous…"

"Shut up, Johnny," muttered Ivy. "You're gonna give Croc a headache."

The four rogues had since been joined by Killer Croc and Bane, both of whom were still determined to try to break their chains through force, unsuccessfully, of course. "How's it going, boys?" called Ivy.

"Almost…there!" grunted Croc.

"He is not," growled Bane. "And neither am I, which is impossible! No chains can hold me!"

"Apparently alien ones can," growled Two-Face.

"You should all just relax," spoke up Harley. "Mr. J is gonna be here to save us any second now."

"Oh, he is not, Harley!" snapped Ivy. "Just face reality, would you?! He's probably happy you got dragged off so he can be on his own again! He doesn't love you! He's a selfish, egotistical creep, not some heroic knight in shining armor who's just gonna charge in here to rescue you…"

She was cut off by the wall suddenly exploding, and an instant later, Superman fell into the room, closely followed by Batman and the Joker.


	7. Chapter 7

"Get offa me!" growled Batman, shoving Joker off him so that he landed face first at Harley's feet.

She squealed in delight, embracing him tightly. "Mr. J! You're here, you're here, you're here!"

"Harley…" Joker stammered, clearly shocked to see her.

"What the hell are you doing here?!" demanded Ivy.

"He came to rescue me, Red, just like I knew he would," retorted Harley. "I told you he'd save us! And he brought a couple superheros along too!"

"Oh…yeah…that's right, pooh," said Joker, slowly. "That's exactly what I did! And just like I planned! Couldn't leave my Harley girl here to rot, not when she's so precious to me!"

Harley squeaked happily, kissing him. "Pathetic," muttered Ivy, but then her eyes fixed on Superman. "Well, hello, handsome," she murmured, as he looked around the room.

"Forget it, Ivy, he's taken," growled Batman, dusting himself off.

"By you, if the rumors are true!" chuckled Joker. Batman punched him in the face.

"Batman, don't be needlessly violent," said Superman.

"Don't tell me what to do!" snapped Batman. "It's your fault we're in this mess! I was handling the situation, and you charge in here with this lunatic and ruin the whole operation!"

"Oh, you were handling the situation the way you handle the situation in Gotham, is that it?" demanded Superman.

"Oooh, nice one, Supey!" chuckled Joker.

"You shut up!" snapped Batman. "You look around the room, Superman!" he shouted, gesturing. "This is only a small selection of the various kinds of enemies I have to face every day!"

There was silence. "…well, this is pretty much the highlights," said Joker, and everyone mumbled in agreement.

"Which is why you could use some help!" snapped Superman. "You can't do everything on your own, Batman! You have to trust other people sometimes!"

"I don't see why I should!" snapped Batman. "The rest of you were content to let these aliens waltz in here and implement peace by any methods necessary, including mass extermination! And you weren't even a little bit suspicious of that?!"

"Why should I be?" demanded Superman. "_I'm _an alien interested in creating peace on earth! It's not such an unreasonable desire, is it?! Why are you so against it?!"

"Because I'm a realist!" snapped Batman. "It's not going to happen, Superman! Not anytime soon!"

"Then what are you fighting for?!" demanded Superman.

Batman fell silent. "This is awkward," said Joker at last, breaking the tense silence. "This is like when your parents get into a fight…"

"I'm fighting to make a difference," murmured Batman. "But it's only going to be small difference, I accept that. I'm never going to change these people," he said, gesturing around at the rogues. "Or stop them from doing what they do. And maybe no one can ever bring peace. But that doesn't mean we can stop fighting. I fight every day so goodness and justice can prevail in some small way…"

"Excuse me, but goodness and justice are a matter of perspective," interrupted Crane, and everyone murmured in agreement again. "Do you think we do these things because we think we're doing the wrong thing?"

"Well, I do," said Joker, nodding. "That's half the fun of it!"

"The Joker always being an exception to the rule," sighed Crane. "But most of us are doing what we do for the same reasons you are, Batman. Which I suspect has probably more to do with an irresistible compulsion to act rather than any kind of idealistic crusade. In which case you're definitely like most of us, including the Joker."

"Aw yeah, Batsy and me are like two sides of the same playing card!" chuckled Joker. "Except I'm the fun, colorful front part, and he's the boring, samey back part."

"It's two sides of the same coin, Joker," growled Two-Face. "Don't change the metaphor."

"Oh, everything's a coin to you, Harvey!" snapped Joker.

"Look, I'm sure there's a good time to debate the nature of good vs. evil, but it's not now," interrupted Superman. "It's not going to take the robots long to find us – we need to get out of here."

He began lasering the chains with his eyes, ripping apart others with his bare hands. "Wow, you're really strong, Superman," purred Ivy. "Do you work out, or is it just natural talent?"

"The atmosphere on planet earth gives me apparent superpowers and special abilities," replied Superman.

"Aw, I know what that's like," said Ivy, sympathetically. "I also derive strength from the earth, giving me special abilities that nobody understands. You must feel so isolated and lonely from the rest of humanity…"

"Yeah, it must be really hard to have inherited powers that you didn't have to do any work to earn," snapped Batman.

Joker giggled. "Oooh, Batty's getting catty! Hardly surprising, I suppose – have you seen his girlfriend?"

Superman turned to look at Batman. "You assured us there was nothing going on between you and Catwoman! I told you if there was, it would be considered a conflict of interests, and we'd need to investigate to see if your relationship was compromising your ability to do your job!"

Batman glared at Joker. "She's not my girlfriend!" he snapped.

"Well, that's not how Selina tells it," said Ivy.

Another argument seemed imminent, but at that moment the wall exploded again to reveal a group of heavily armed robots facing them. "Everybody run!" shouted Superman, punching open the door and absorbing the laser blasts himself as everyone raced out of the room.

"I was right – this does lead to the subway tunnels!" exclaimed Crane, triumphantly, as they exited into a long tunnel with tracks. And then they saw a light appearing at the end of it.

"Congrats, Craney – bask in your victory for a few moments before you're crushed by a subway train," said Joker as they heard the rattle of the train and the light rushed toward them. They had all braced for impact when Superman burst out of the room, flying headlong into the train and stopping it instantly.

"You gotta admit, Bats, that superpower stuff does come in handy in a tight spot," said Joker.

"Get on the train!" roared Superman. "The robots aren't going to attack a bunch of innocent civilians, so try to blend in!"

"That's easier for some of us than others!" snapped Croc, as Bane punched open the door to the nearest railway carriage and climbed in. Batman waited for all the rogues to board before he joined them, trying to ignore the screaming from the terrified passengers as supercriminal after supercriminal appeared in the carriage.

He felt the train lurch forward as Superman suddenly let go, sending everyone crashing toward the front of the carriage. When its speed finally stabilized, Superman joined them in the carriage.

"Don't be alarmed, citizens of Gotham," he said to the surrounding passengers. "Your journey is going to continue without further delay. These dangerous criminals are not going to bother you…" he said, grabbing Joker's wrist as he held out his hand with joy buzzer attached to a child. "They're going to be returned to Arkham immediately."

There was an uproar from the rogues at this. "It's the safest place for you!" shouted Superman, over the noise. "Until we…rectify this situation!"

"Screw that!" roared Two-Face, reaching for the emergency brake and sending the train slamming to a halt again. "I'm not just gonna sit in Arkham waiting for them to finish us off!"

"You're going to do what I say!" yelled Superman.

"No, don't challenge them like that…" began Batman, as the rogues began grabbing passengers to take as hostages.

"See, this is why you can't handle Gotham!" snapped Batman. "You don't know how to deal with these people!"

Superman blew out a breath of air, freezing the rogues in their tracks. "I think that dealt with them pretty well, don't you, Batman?" he asked, casually.

Batman said nothing, glaring at Superman, and then at the frozen rogues. "Wait a minute," he said, counting them. "Where are the clowns?"

"I don't…know," said Superman, slowly, looking around the carriage. "They were here a moment ago…"

"You lost the Joker!" roared Batman. "Really?! Out of all these criminals, you let the Joker get away?! The most dangerous of the lot?!"

"Batman, where are you going?" demanded Superman as Batman threw open the train door and headed off into the tunnel.

"I'm going after them!" he shouted. "You return the rest of them to Arkham! But if these robots are attracted to violence, I can guarantee that the Joker will be completely incapable of resisting attracting their attention for more than a few hours. Especially with Harley with him!"

"When you find them, bring them back to Arkham and then head to the Watchtower!" shouted Superman. "We need to discuss all this with the rest of the Justice League!"

"I'll sure do that, Superman!" called back Batman. He was just grateful Superman was too preoccupied to use his x-ray vision, or he might have seen Batman crossing his fingers as he said that.


	8. Chapter 8

"All right, pooh, I learned from Superfreak that these robots are attracted to violence," said Joker as they returned to their hideout. "So we gotta not engage in violence of any kind so we don't alert them again."

"Sure thing, Mr. J," said Harley, nodding. She looked around. "Where are the babies?" she asked.

Joker stared at her. "Oh…yeah," he stammered. "Me and Supes…kinda forgot about them..."

"You forgot about our babies?!" demanded Harley. "How could you?! What's happened to them?!"

"Uh…well…we tracked them to that place where you guys were being held…" said Joker, slowly. "And then the robots started firing…and there were lasers…and we ran into Bats, and it all got really complicated…"

"You mean our babies are somewhere in that secret base?!" demanded Harley. "And you left them there?!"

"Now baby, remember what I said about violence…" began Joker, as she approached him angrily. She forced a smile, her whole body shaking as she tried to control her temper.

"I just don't see how you could be that heartless towards our babies, Mr. J," she said, in a false, happy voice. "They could be in real pain right now, and it's all your fault!"

"Well, excuse me for rescuing your sorry ass!" snapped Joker. "Next time I'll just leave you to rot in the hands of alien robots! Would you like that, you dumb blonde?!"

"I'd like our babies to be safe!" shrieked Harley. "And if you was any kinda father to them, you'd have put their safety ahead of your own! You'd have sacrificed yourself to rescue them if you had to, not forget about them and leave them abandoned in some god forsaken hole!"

"I'm not their father – they're hyenas!" snapped Joker. "Any kids of mine ain't gonna be that slobbery and ugly!"

"Our babies are not ugly!" shrieked Harley. "They're precious! And if this is the way you treat your fur babies, I don't ever wanna have human babies with you, Mr. J!"

"Good! Cause I don't wanna have human babies with you either!" snapped Joker. "Maybe this'll talk you outta that stupid idea once and for all!"

"There's nothing stupid about me wanting to make Joker babies!" she shrieked. "You'd love little Arleen and J.J. if you ever gave 'em a chance to be born! But maybe you'd just abandon them to alien robots too, the way you have Bud and Lou, you selfish bastard!"

"I'll show you who's selfish, you little brat!" shouted Joker, raising his hand to hit her.

"No violence, remember?" she snapped. He lowered his hand with colossal effort, his whole body shaking.

"God, this is difficult," he muttered.

"I know," sighed Harley. "And we can't even have angry sex to make things better, since that'd probably count as violence too."

"Yeah," sighed Joker. "A world without violence is no fun, Harley. I dunno how the Bat's been coping either – he's as addicted to it as the rest of us."

"Oh, speak of the devil," said Harley, as Batman appeared in the doorway of their hideout. "What do you want, Bats?"

"You two are coming back to Arkham with me," growled Batman.

"Oh yeah?" sneered Joker. "Wanna fight us for it, Bats? Cause the moment you do, those robots are gonna come rushing over."

"You think I can't take a buncha robots?" demanded Batman.

"Not an army of them on your own, without your little Justice League pals," retorted Joker, folding his arms across his chest. "But prove me wrong. Go ahead. Throw a punch if you're man enough."

Batman glared at him. "It's safer for you both in Arkham…"

"I don't wanna be safe," interrupted Joker. "I wanna get these robots outta my city. And I'm sure you do too, Bats. So in this case, it might be better to stop beating us up and start forming some kinda plan."

"I'm not leaving you lunatics to run free," snapped Batman.

"Said the pot to the kettle," muttered Harley.

"Harley's right, much as I hate to say it," said Joker, nodding. "Anyway, I don't think you have any other choice. We're not going back to Arkham without a fight. And you don't want to start a fight or the robots will find us. Game, set, and match, Batmanstein."

"But if you wanna do something heroic, you should back to the secret base and find our babies," spoke up Harley.

"Babies?" repeated Batman.

"Hyenas," explained Joker. "Superman and I tailed 'em there, but then we ran into you and got distracted."

"You expect me to risk my life to go find some dumb animals?" demanded Batman.

"Hey! Don't talk about our babies that way!" snapped Harley. "And I think you probably count as a dumb animal too, Bats, so you should be a little sympathetic!"

"Oooh, nice one, pooh!" giggled Joker.

"Harley…" began Batman.

"No, you listen to me, Bats!" snapped Harley, going over to stand in front of Batman and holding up her finger in front of his face. "This whole situation is your fault! You're the one who got up and decided to play God with your little superhero pals! Instead of just minding your own business and handling your own life, you have to stick your nose in where it don't belong and try to change the whole world according to your twisted ideals! And you dare put us away for just trying to have a little fun!"

"Killing people is not fun!" roared Batman.

"Killing people also ain't an acceptable route to world peace!" shrieked Harley.

"And I don't support that action!" snapped Batman.

"Then get our babies outta there, and get those aliens and all their robot friends off our planet," hissed Harley. "All right?"

Batman glared at her, his whole body shaking. Then he growled and turned to leave. "Stay here and don't cause any trouble," he muttered, reaching into his belt. "When I have the hyenas, I'll contact you through this. Do _not_ call me, or the deal's off," he muttered, as Joker took the telephone with a gleeful cackle. "I'll call you."

He flew off into the night. "Yeah, get outta here, you big bully!" called Harley after him. "And make sure the babies aren't hurt when you find 'em! Moron," she muttered, turning around.

She was immediately seized by the Joker, who began planting passionate kisses all over her face. "Oh, pumpkin pie, watching you handle the Bat like that just puts me in a revving mood," he whispered.

"Oh, puddin'!" she gasped. "Puddin', we can't! You know it's just gonna escalate into violence! Unless you think we can actually have gentle sex?"

He looked at her and shook his head, letting her go reluctantly. "This is hell, Harley," he muttered, sinking his face into his hands. "Peace on earth is hell."

"I know, puddin'," she said, patting him on the back gently. "But it'll be over soon. Bats will make sure the world goes back to the violent, twisted, brutal place it was before these aliens came, you'll see."

"I hope you're right, Harley," sighed Joker. "For all of our sakes."


	9. Chapter 9

That night, Harley was having difficulty drifting off to sleep with the Joker next to her in bed, tossing and turning restlessly. "Mmm…puddin'?" she said, opening her eyes. "You still awake?"

He grunted. "Can't sleep. Haven't hurt anyone today."

Harley yawned. "You told me you killed some people with that robot in the pool."

"Not the same thing," he muttered. "Need to physically hurt something with my bare hands."

Harley yawned again. "I know it's difficult, puddin'," she murmured. "Frankly I'm in the mood to handcuff you to the bed and beat you senseless."

"Aw, don't talk dirty, Harl, when you know there's nothing we can do about it," he sighed. "It's so awful to be frustrated sexually and violently…"

"Try not to think about it, puddin'," interrupted Harley. "It only makes it worse. Just try to sleep, ok?"

He sighed heavily as she cuddled up next to him, dropping off to sleep at last. She woke up later, when she felt him leave the bed to the buzzing of a phone.

"Hello? Yeah. Oh, ok. Yeah, I'll tell her tomorrow. So…do you wanna meet tonight? You know what for. You know what I'm talking about. You must miss it as much as I do. I can't sleep, and I won't until I have it. Library roof in ten minutes? Ok, bye."

He hung up the phone and then went to get dressed. Harley pretended to be asleep, waiting for him to leave, and then followed him out into the streets of Gotham.

When she reached the roof of the library, she saw a shadowy figure already there. "We have to be quick," it muttered. "Or the robots will find us."

"No problem – I'm up for a quickie," replied Joker, taking off his jacket. "Let's get it on."

The two figures rushed towards each other and began beating each other up, throwing punch after punch.

"Mr. J!" shrieked Harley. Batman and Joker whirled around, the former holding the latter in a headlock.

"Harley, this…isn't what it looks like!" stammered Joker.

"It's exactly what it looks like!" shrieked Harley. "You snuck outta bed so you could meet the Bat in secret and beat each other up! How could you do that to me?! If you wanted someone to beat, I'm right here!"

"It's not the same, baby, and Bats needs it just as much as I do!" cried Joker.

"I do not!" snapped Batman.

"Then why are you here?!" demanded Harley.

"Because…I wanted to tell the Joker what I found out about the hyenas," snapped Batman. "And then he attacked me!"

"You liar!" shouted Joker. "You could have told me over the phone, but you agreed to meet here to have a fight!"

"Where are the babies?!" shrieked Harley.

"They're not here!" snapped Batman. "They've been sent back to Africa!"

Harley stared at him. "W…what?" she stammered.

"The robots have deported them," he growled. "I hacked into the computer system to get some data on how to shut it all down. Apparently the hyenas were originally illegally obtained, and part of their whole peace on earth thing is rectifying crimes where they can. So they've sent the hyenas back to their home."

"But…but they can't survive in the wild!" cried Harley. "They're domesticated! Trained as pets!"

"Yeah, that would be like me letting Harley go out on her own!" said Joker. "She wouldn't last two seconds!"

"Puddin', we have to save the babies!" shrieked Harley.

"No, we have to help Bats save Gotham first!" insisted Joker.

"I'm saving Gotham without your help!" snapped Batman.

"Oh yeah, that's right," sighed Joker. "Go and get your little superpowered friends to help you out. If I didn't know better, Bats, I'd say you're racist. Against the human race."

"No, I just don't want help from lunatics!" growled Batman.

"You don't want help from _human _lunatics," corrected Joker. "You seem fine with using the aliens though. You said yourself it's their crazy ideas that got us into this mess!"

"Joker, you are not going to help me!" snapped Batman. "You're both coming back to Arkham right now!"

Joker glared at him, folding his arms across his chest. "Make me," he muttered. Then he grinned. "You know you want to, and so do I."

Batman sighed, and then threw a punch to his face. "Oh yeah, hit me!" gasped Joker. "Oh, that's it, Bats, harder!"

"Me too!" squealed Harley, leaping into the middle of the fight.

About ten minutes later, Joker and Harley lay handcuffed on the ground, battered and breathing heavily.

"Gee, Bats, you sure do know how to give a girl a good time!" sighed Harley.

"And how to give a guy a good time!" agreed Joker.

"Don't say things like that," muttered Batman, dragging them to their feet. "People are going to get the wrong impression."

He shoved them inside the waiting Batmobile and headed off in the direction of Arkham. "Puddin', we have to save the babies," said Harley, looking at him tearfully. "How are we gonna do that if we're all locked up in Arkham?"

Joker chuckled, patting her on the head. "Don't you worry about a thing, cupcake! Daddy's already thought of a plan!"

"Just stay put for now," snapped Batman. "And wait until me and the rest of the Justice League have cleared up this robot mess. Until then, don't do anything."

Joker grinned at him. "Wouldn't dream of it, Bats!" he chuckled. "Wouldn't dream of it."


	10. Chapter 10

Dr. Joan Leland, head doctor at Arkham Asylum, was distracted from giving thanks that all of the usual inmates were presently incarcerated (a rare occasion considering how frequently they escaped), when the phone on her desk rang.

"Hello, Dr. Leland's office?" she said, answering it.

"Dr. Leland, this is Mercy Graves, personal assistant to Mr. Luthor," said the woman on the other end.

"Mr…Luthor?" stammered Dr. Leland. "The President?"

"That's right, Dr. Leland, the President of the United States," replied Mercy, calmly. "He's on his way to your asylum as we speak, and he wishes to be granted a private interview with the Joker. He's just phoned him."

"Oh…I see," said Dr. Leland, slowly. "The Joker did tell me he was using his phone call to contact the President, but I thought he was just…joking. Uh…well, of course we'll be honored by his presence…"

"He wants to skip the formalities, Dr. Leland," interrupted Mercy. "That's why I'm calling in advance. He's a busy man. He just wants to see the Joker in private. Make sure you can accommodate him. See you soon."

The phone clicked off. Dr. Leland stared at it for a few moments, and then left her office, heading towards the Joker's cell.

"Um…Joker…it appears the President of the United States would like a word with you," she said, calmly. "If you'll follow me to the visiting room."

"Bet that's something you never thought you'd say to me, huh, Doc?" he chuckled.

"Not to you, or any other patient," agreed Dr. Leland. "Unless the President of the United States was code for a doctor or something."

"Oh, me and Lexy go way back!" laughed Joker. "You remember those tabloid rumors during his election that he used to be the head of a secret organization of supervillains? Well, this is why you should always trust the tabloids, especially during election season. They're the only ones dirty enough to print all the dirt that's fit to print!"

"Just try not to cause an international incident, ok?" sighed Dr. Leland, leaving him in the visiting room.

"No problemo, Doc!" he chuckled, saluting. "Haven't caused one of those since the 80s!"

He whistled while he waited, banging on the table in front of him and singing. "_Oh, the wonderful thing about Jokers, is Jokers are wonderful things! They're a criminal class like no other, they build bombs outta duct tape and springs! They're smiling, guiling, lying, violent, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun! But the most wonderful thing about Jokers is I'm the only one! Jokers are comical fellows, Jokers are awfully neat, everyone else is jealous, that's why I repeat, repeat, the wonderful thing about Jokers, is Jokers are marvellous chaps! They're loaded with vim and with vigor, they love to set up Bat-traps! They're laughing, bashing, smashing, slashing, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun! But the most wonderful thing about Jokers is I'm the only one! I'm the only one! Hahahahahahahahaha!_"

The door opened and Lex Luthor strolled in with a scowl. He folded his arms across his chest. "You have precisely sixty seconds to explain why you called me here, and why I should give a damn about what happens to you," he muttered.

"Good to see you again too, Lexy!" chuckled Joker. "Still bald, I see! Y'know what I blame your hair loss on? Stress. You never learned how to relax."

"Relax?" repeated Luthor. "I'm the leader of the free world! I'm an incredibly busy man with a lot on my mind, so I repeat, get to the point!"

"All right, I'll skip the 'Happy Birthday, Mr. President,' routine," said Joker, grinning. "But it would have seduced you out of your pants, even if it ain't your birthday. My point is you need me, Lex. You need me out there."

"Why would I need you out there?" demanded Luthor.

"To stop these aliens and their crazy robots, obviously," retorted Joker. "I know you can't possibly want them out there patrolling our streets anymore than I do. And who's the one who let these freaks walk in here and take control? The Justice League. They're obviously never going to lift a finger to take back the earth for humanity – they're content to let these weirdos takeover."

"And you're going to be all heroic and save humanity, is that it?" asked Luthor, sarcastically. "This is a joke, isn't it?"

"No joke, Lexy, I promise!" said Joker. "Look, you know I don't love humanity, but I do love causing chaos. And the only thing that stands a chance against these order Nazis is good, old-fashioned, human insanity. They won't even know what hit 'em. It's something they can't fight against because they can't predict it. We lunatics are the only ones who can stop these aliens from taking over, and the only ones capable of sending them back to the disgusting, peaceful, hellhole of a planet they came from!"

Luthor stared at him. "You're asking me, as President of the United States, to authorize the release of a bunch of homicidal lunatics onto the street?"

"Hey, it wouldn't be the craziest thing a president has ever done!" chuckled Joker. "And these are desperate times, Lexy, old kid. Are you gonna keep letting those alien jerks push you around with their commands for peace? Or are you gonna show 'em how we do things on planet earth, and fight back?"

Luthor studied him carefully for a few moments. Then he turned and left without another word, heading down the hall toward Dr. Leland's office.

"Mr. President, it's an honor…" said Dr. Leland, standing up as he entered.

"Release the inmates," he interrupted. "All of them."

Dr. Leland gaped at him. "Uh…sir…I…I don't think I have the authority to do that..."

"No, but I do," retorted Luthor. "These are desperate times, Dr. Leland. It's time for a desperate measure or two. Let them all out. And tell them whoever destroys the most robots wins a prize. But don't tell them what the prize is, since I haven't thought of that yet," he said, heading out the door.

"But…but Mr. President, sir…" stammered Dr. Leland.

"The aliens don't seem to understand why there's still violence on earth," continued Luthor. "Because peace causes unhappiness and hatred and dissatisfaction. Nothing brings people together like a little war, or in this case, an alien invasion. I mean, just look at the Justice League. They wouldn't even be working together if not for the violence of humanity," he said, smiling to himself. "And I can't wait to see how they deal with this."


	11. Chapter 11

"Batman, thank goodness you're here!" cried Wonder Woman as Batman stormed into the meeting room of the Watchtower. "Where have you been?"

"Handling a couple of lunatics and their pets," muttered Batman. "Plus, y'know, it takes me awhile to get into space with the anti-gravity…"

"Superman told us about the aliens trying to exterminate the lunatics," said Wonder Woman. "We contacted them immediately and told them to cease and desist, but they argued that the only way to ensure peace is to eliminate the incurably violent. And then when we were trying to persuade them otherwise…this happened," she said, gesturing to the screen.

They could hear alarms blaring as the screen flickered, showing a grainy projection of Pacis One shouting, "All units, report in!"

"Sir, there's…too many of them!" replied a robotic voice. "We're overrun, we…"

The transmission was abruptly cut off to white noise. "What on earth is going on down there?!" demanded Superman. And then the screen cut to a smiling face waving at the camera.

"Hellooo, Justice Leaguers!" chuckled the Joker. "Coming to you live from Gotham City, I give you the battle of the century! Robots vs. crazies! Who's gonna win?"

The camera panned out to reveal a battle going on in the square, where hordes of armed robots fought against the Arkham inmates, mostly unsuccessfully. Two-Face had two guns blowing pairs of them away at a time, while Poison Ivy was summoning plant after plant to crush them. Killer Croc and Bane were literally ripping them apart, Croc using his teeth, while Crane was using his scythe to tear down masses of robots with one swipe. Harley was flipping around next to the Joker, using her hammer to smash the robots to pieces. She paused to wave at the camera. "Hiya, Bats and others!" she called. "We're having a contest to see who can kill the most of 'em! I dunno who's winning!"

"I am, pooh, obviously!" retorted Joker, grabbing a passing robot and shaking its hand with his joy buzzer, causing its head to explode. "I think that's fifty-four!"

"Pathetic!" snapped Poison Ivy. "I'm on seventy-eight!"

"Yeah, but using plants is cheating, Pam!" growled Two-Face, as he continued to fire at them. "You have to do your own dirty work for it to count!"

"We never made that rule!" snapped Ivy. "You can't just make these up as you go!"

"Hundred and seven, hundred and eight…" growled Croc, leaping on another robot.

"I didn't even know Croc could count that high," said Joker, impressed.

"He can't – he's just saying random numbers," said Crane, swiping another group with his scythe. "I, on the other hand, am actually on ninety-seven."

"Aw, we're tied, Johnny!" exclaimed Harley, smashing a robot with her hammer and then using the leverage to kick herself into another.

"You are not beating me, you dumb blonde!" shouted Joker. "Sorry, Bats, gotta go," he said to the camera. "Need to catch up. See ya soon!" he giggled, putting his joy-buzzered hand over the lens and breaking the camera.

"We're getting down there right away!" roared Superman.

"I just came from Gotham!" shouted Batman, furiously. He sighed. "I'll see you in about half an hour," he muttered, heading for the anti-gravity chamber.

…

By the time Batman finally returned to Gotham, the rest of the Justice League mostly had everything under control. The inmates had been rounded up and were handcuffed together while Superman spoke to Pacis One.

"I'm sorry," he was saying. "I truly appreciate all you tried to do, and believe me, I share your sentiments, and your hope for world peace someday. But apparently earth isn't ready for it yet. I know you've invested a lot of time and resources into this, but we can't allow you to exterminate large sections of humanity, even if you believe it's for the greater good. And even if they have destroyed hundreds of your robots. Uh…sorry."

"It's a terrible shame," sighed Pacis One. "But there are other planets in the universe that need our help, and would welcome it gladly. We can no longer remain on one that does not. It is a pity that you must return to your violent ways, but we cannot stop those who refuse our help. I cannot understand your willingness to sacrifice the innocent people of this earth for the sake of homicidal maniacs. But then perhaps insanity is not just a human trait. Farewell."

The giant head disappeared. Superman sighed, raising his wrist communicator. "Mr. President, the aliens are leaving, and they're taking their robots with them."

"Don't suppose you'd like to go along with them?" sneered Luthor's voice, sarcastically. "Be with your own kind again?"

"Thank you, Mr. President, but I think I'm needed here on earth," growled Superman. He looked at Batman. "I mean, humanity could use a helping hand now and then, couldn't it?"

Batman nodded slowly. "Now and then," he agreed, holding out his hand to Superman. "But I'll decide when, unless you want another lunatic riot on your hands."

"No," sighed Superman. "You're right – you know how best to handle these people," he said, looking at the Arkham inmates. "I don't envy you that task, though."

"Well, it's…" began Batman, and then his eyes narrowed. "Where's the Joker?!" he demanded. "And Harley Quinn?!"

"Not here," snapped Ivy. "Way to go, Superman! You may be gorgeous, but it's all brawn and no brain with you! Which is my type," she added, hastily. "Call me sometime, huh?"

"You let them get away again?!" demanded Batman.

"Actually, they won the contest," explained Crane. "About who could kill the most robots. Apparently you're allowed to pool your score, which it would have been nice to know about before we started. Anyway, they went to get their prize from Luthor."

"Which is?" said Batman.

"You'll have to ask him," replied Crane. "He didn't tell us."

Superman raised his wrist communicator again. "Mr. President, what was the prize for killing the most robots?"

"Oh, a flight in Air Force One," he replied. "To any destination."

"And are you aware of which destination the clowns chose?" asked Superman.

"Uh…Harley said something about Africa?" said Luthor. "To find some babies, I think. I don't know what she's talking about, but then she is crazy, you know."

"I had no idea," sighed Batman, walking away from them. He raised his own wrist communicator. "Alfred, I need the Batwing. Now."


	12. Chapter 12

"Babies!" called Harley, across the barren grasslands of the African savannah. "Babies! It's Mommy and Daddy! We've come to take you home!"

"This isn't at all what the brochure promised," muttered Joker, swatting at a mosquito. "I'm tired, Harl! Are we there yet?"

"We dunno where 'there' is, puddin'," replied Harley. "The babies could be anywhere. You don't even remember which African country you imported 'em from!"

"I told you, it started with an 'N' or an 'M' or something," he retorted.

"That's not particularly helpful, puddin'," she replied. "But I ain't giving up the search until we've been to all the possible countries and found the babies."

"But that could take years!" he exclaimed. "I can't be absent from Gotham for that long! Bats would get so lonely! Plus I didn't pack enough underwear for years!"

"Puddin', we ain't leaving here without the babies!" growled Harley. "So just get used to it!"

"Well, I'm not trekking any further across this desert!" snapped Joker, sitting down on a rock. "You go on ahead if you wanna, but I'm staying right here!"

"Fine, ya jerk, who needs ya?!" demanded Harley, storming off.

"Stupid woman," muttered Joker, swatting at another mosquito. "No animal's dumb enough to live in a place like this anyway…"

He heard growling behind him and turned around. "I stand corrected!" he chuckled, facing a pack of snarling hyenas. "Hey, any of you guys seen my pets? Bud and Lou, probably about your size, maybe a little bigger…"

The nearest hyena snapped at him. "I'll take that as a no," he said. "Harley, wait up!"

"Maybe I shoulda brought some of those missing pet posters and hung 'em up on these trees," said Harley, examining the entrance to the jungle. "Just in case anyone comes across 'em…"

"Here, take her instead!" shouted Joker, grabbing Harley and shoving her in front of him, straight into the pack of ravenous hyenas. "Thanks for taking the fall for me, baby, see you around!" he called, racing off into the jungle.

"Mr. J!" shrieked Harley after him, struggling to push the hyenas off her. "Get 'em offa me!"

One of them climbed on top of her, snapping at her face, when it was suddenly knocked aside by a furry shape tackling it to the ground. It was joined by another furry shape that began snapping and snarling at the surrounding hyenas, nipping and biting them until they ran off.

"Babies!" shrieked Harley, happily, as Bud and Lou came over to nuzzle her, wagging their tails and licking her furiously. "You found me!"

"Actually, I found them," said a familiar voice. Harley looked up to see Batman dragging Joker out of the surrounding jungle. "They've been hiding out in the jungle, away from the other packs, and hunting only what they need to survive, so as not to draw attention to themselves," explained Batman. "Smart, actually, keeping away from the wild animals. I take back what I said about them being dumb."

"You really are the World's Greatest Detective, Bats," grumbled Joker. "Finding a specific pair of hyenas in the entirety of Africa."

Batman held up a device. "I tagged them ages ago," he retorted. "It was just a simple matter of following the tracker."

"I dunno how to thank you, Bats!" exclaimed Harley, cuddling the hyenas, who nuzzled her affectionately. "You saved our family!"

She threw her arms around Batman's neck and kissed him. "What's your problem, Mr. J?" she demanded, noticing the look Joker was giving them. "Jealous?"

"Yeah," he admitted. "Though I ain't sure which one of you I'm most jealous of…"

Batman slapped handcuffs on his and Harley's wrists, and then summoned the Batwing. "C'mon," he snapped. "We're all heading back to Gotham, where hopefully you won't cause anymore trouble for a long time."

"Aw, c'mon, Bats, admit it!" chuckled Joker. "You missed not being able to beat us up when those alien weirdos were in charge! You miss the violence and mayhem when we're not around, doncha? That's probably why you came all the way to Africa to come get us, actually."

"Nah, he came to Africa to save our babies!" sighed Harley, cuddling the hyenas again. "Because that's what heroes do!"

Joker rolled his eyes. "She don't understand you, Batsy," he sighed. "But I do," he added, winking. "And don't you worry! There'll never be peace on earth again on my watch! I'll make sure there's always something violent and chaotic going on, so you don't get bored! No need to thank me, buddy!" he chuckled, climbing into the plane.

Batman sighed heavily as Harley and the hyenas followed him into the plane. "Who wants peace anyway?" he muttered, climbing in after them and flying off in the direction of Gotham.

**The End**


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